


Identity.

by sakuyamons



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Loss of Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:12:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7914616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuyamons/pseuds/sakuyamons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who are you, once you find out that who you thought you were is false?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identity.

**Author's Note:**

> implied references to child abuse and torture.
> 
> i wanted to work more on my ocs and this is how it came through.

“Who are you?”

 

He had been through this question all over and over again for a whole year, according to grandfather, he had been in an accident that left him amnesiac and forgot who he was - and he remembers vaguely being a bad boy and being fairly punished by the guards over and over again, having an accident it’s not excuse to be mean with grandfather - and he does miss his mother, after all.

 

“I’m Matt Baudin.”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Seven.”

 

“Do you miss your mother and grandfather, Matt?”

 

“Yes.” He had tried to attack his mother when he first woke up after the accident a year ago, that had been rude of him, no wonder why she hadn’t gone to visit him “Can I see her, please?”

 

The woman who had been his only companion through all this time - whose feelings for her had started with hatred and then a vague indifference - she was better than the guards, he supposed.

 

“In a minute, Matt.” It was exactly what he wanted to hear “You’re officially cured!”

 

After some minutes where he was left alone - the woman had gone to tell the news about his family - the guards came back, he flinched when he saw them first, thinking that he might have failed the test, but he realized shortly they were here to escort him back home, he didn’t remember where home was, or how his mother looked now - it will come back to his mind later, he supposes.

 

Grandfather is the very first familiar face he sees, he has seen him before, back when he had his inexcusable behavior, and it had been him the one who had the idea of punishing him - grandfather was a fan of discipline, and he’s thankful for it, elsewhere, he would still be angry and alone on those four walls.

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Matthew.”

 

Grandfather nodded in satisfaction, the closest thing he could do that was somehow affectionate.

 

“Welcome home.”

 

* * *

  
  


His name wasn’t Matt, he didn’t know what his name was, so he used that name because that’s the one he had answered to all those years, but he had no last name now.

 

He had been defeated by the real Matt, who had been kidnapped as a child (How similar they are) by a dark Wizard and raised as one of their ones and his gang of merry men, and since he had lived his usefulness (acting as an emotional crutch to his foster mother, who the last time he had seen her had screamed at him and call him impostor) then it was time for him to be executed.

 

And part of him was fine with it - but the other one decided to escape.

 

He wished he hadn’t.

 

Who was he?

 

He wanted to know, but first he had to find food and a place to sleep, he remembers having to do that before - and it felt familiar yet heartbreaking, he wondered where the real Matt was, he must be eating food with that weird family of his, cracking jokes and having fun, part of him hates him for stripping him out of his identity - that might as well fake but was his, part of him is jealous that someone rescued him and nobody did that for him.

 

And part of him wishes desperately to be him.

 

* * *

  
  


When they meet again, he knows that him and Matt’s lives will be forever connected.

 

Last time he had seen Matt and his friend, he had been wearing fancy clothes and a book with advanced light magic - both of them had been stripped off him, he was nothing but raggy clothes and vacant eyes that had grew tired of crying - crying for what he had lost was useless and he didn’t need to lose more water, water is a luxury that he cannot have every day, after all.

 

“Matty, ain’t that the...kid?” 

 

“You mean the one -?” The real Matt looked at him again, but he didn’t answer, the thought of attacking him and bringing him back to his family crosses his mind, maybe he will be accepted again if he does, but he throws that thought away quickly, he knows it’s useless and will get him killed, he hates this life - while it had been like coming home, it had been a home that he hated - but he doesn’t want to die, that’s why he escaped.

Matt puts a hand on his shoulders - he wonders why of all people, they chose him to be their replacement, he can guess that Matt is older than him yet shorter, and people like them with blue eyes and black hair can be found anywhere.

 

“Got a place to sleep, kid?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Come with us, then.”

 

He should say no, they are the people that ruined his life, the people he had been taught to resent - and even though Matt rejected his lineage, he is still one of them - what if he leaves him alone? 

 

But he’s desperate for company, he takes the boy’s hand through the trip back his new home.

 

* * *

 

“Hey kid.” Charlie is Matt’s best friend - a blond person with green eyes and a playful smirk - the Dark Wizard’s foster child and heir, ever since he got his new home, Matt had tried the best to let him be and he was okay with that, but apparently, it wasn’t the case with Charlie “Do you have a name?”

 

He didn’t expect the heir of a dark wizard to have tact.

 

“Not really.” 

 

“How should we call you, then?”

 

He had a name before - he just doesn’t remember it, the only thing he just knows is that he has no place to return to, if he had a family before, they were either dead or didn’t care about him.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

_ I don’t know. _

 

He tries to look as intimidating as he can be so they leave him alone, but Charlie insists.

 

“That’s a problem, we all have names, do you have a nickname?”

 

He was trying to hold back tears now.

 

“No.”

 

He could take a new name - going by a new name as well as a last one, Charlie is being foolish because names doesn’t mean anything, it’s not being called Matthew that makes him upset, there is a lot of Matt’s in the world, but being called that makes him feel like a thief.

 

A thief - the only thing that he about his past were the feeling of his naked feet on the floor and having little to no shirt, but that wasn’t as bothersome as not having food, when he escaped from the Light he had realized that old habits die hard, and that perhaps the streets were his home, then, he crossed ways with Matt and Charlie and while he silently walked with them, he wondered if he could have a good home now.

 

Except that the boy that held his hand through all the travesty back home was now ignoring him.

 

Charlie ruffled his hair as the younger boy was lost on his thoughts, he knew it was happening, but he bring himself to care enough to tell them to stop or to continue.

 

“You’re messed up, kid, but it isn’t your fault, we’ll find your name sooner or later.” And then, after a pause, he continued “And I’m getting Matthew to talk to you…”

 

“He doesn’t like me, none of his family does.”

 

“ _ We _ are Matt’s family, as long as he and we are concerned.” Charlie corrected him “And trust me, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have taken you here, now go to sleep you brat, you’ll have a heart-to-heart conversation with him tomorrow.” 

 

While he was grateful for Charlie to come to check on him, he was glad they were ready to leave, they were making him feel and he hated that.

 

“Kid.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Ten.”

 

“Ten?” Charlie had a smirk on his face like they had heard the funniest thing, but then it faded “If you’re ten, you should let all that crap out.”

 

And then they left.

 

Let it out.

Good advice, a shame he couldn’t follow it.

 

* * *

 

He overheard part of Matt and Charlie’s conversation and he could just say that both of them were incredibly childish.

 

He doesn’t know if it’s normal for two people, one being thirteen and the other fifteen, to be as childish as those two were, he was taught that dark magic was dangerous and uncontrollable even for the most experienced wizard and yet those two were running errands for Charlie’s Father - who was in a faraway land - and suggesting they should play with necromancy.

 

“Matt, we’ve got serious business to discuss.” Charlie’s tone made it clear that it wasn’t serious.

 

“What is it now, Charlie?” 

 

“You know our youngest host?”

 

“Yeah, I know, I’m talking to him later.”

 

“He is ten! He is of your height!” 

 

“Fuck off, Charlie, wish you could have a longer name so I could tell you to fuck off properly.”

 

“Matthew, Matt, Matty, do not be angry at me just because everyone is taller than you. Be angry at the world that forgot to give you that puberty.”

 

He heard laughter and things being thrown everywhere, at first, the laughter was just Charlie’s but then Matt joined, he supposed that they wouldn’t be laughing as much once Charlie’s father arrived.

 

Back when he lived with the Baudins, there was no laughter on the castle, well, there were no children of his age that he remembered - unless there were more children like him, being brainwashed to become the long lost heir (that was here, quite happy and calling Charlie names so colorful that Mother would throw a fit if she knew what language her true son was using) - and the thought makes him want to throw up, or maybe it’s the conversation with Matt what enhances his disgust for the idea.

 

He wondered if they were childish or he was too screwed over to behave like a normal ten year old.

 

An apparently mature ten year old who actually had the emotional needs of a five year old.

 

“Matthew!” There had been something thrown against the wall and Charlie was laughing uncontrollably “That was going too far! Dad is going to kill us and is your fault, you son of a bitch!” 

 

“You called me  _ Fun-Sized _ !” 

 

_ You son of a bitch. _

 

The insult wasn’t directed at him - he wasn’t Matt - yet he couldn’t stop but feel angry at Matt not even bothering to say not to insult his mother! He probably thought that about her and it made him want to scream and punch them both, why didn’t Matt love his mother? Maybe it was because she was bad? And he had come to terms with her being a bad person (She and Matt had the same eyes, but Matt welcomed him when he became a nobody while she just stripped him of what they used to be, Matt’s eyes were blue and even sparkly - the only light related thing he might have not including his last name while Mother’s eyes had been dark and vacant) but Mother did love his son.

 

He knows that.

 

He remembers being seven and being excited for finally seeing Mother again, he doesn’t remember his real one, so she still was all that he had.

 

Mother loves Matt, and that’s not who he is.

 

He doesn’t remember crying this hard before - and now he does remember the punishment given by the guards by order of his grandfather when he refused to be indoctrinated and the wailing grows louder because it’s too much to handle at once - it wasn’t acceptable to cry when you were a Baudin, but then again, he wasn’t.

 

It’s too much, his throat hurts and his vision is blurry because of the tears - he sees two figures that entered his room, Matt and Charlie probably - and it’s getting difficult to breathe, but he keeps crying - because he is ten and alone and doesn’t know who he is except some replacement goldfish.

 

Charlie is the first to speak.

 

“Kid…”

 

“THAT’S NOT MY NAME.” 

 

Or perhaps, it was, he’s not on his right mind.

 

“Charlie, leave us alone.”

 

“Matt…”

 

“Try catching that stupid demon while I talk to him, I’ll help you later.” 

 

His wailing turns into small whimpers and he begins to breathe with normalcy again - Grandfather would think that his behavior is inexcusable - Charlie had told him to let it all out and he had released part of it, but it didn’t made him feel better, it was just the silent acceptance that he was a nobody.

 

“Charlie has a big mouth.” Matt started, slowly walking towards him “But told me you were ten.”

 

He nodded in affirmation. 

 

“I just want to be you.” He whispered, his voice raspy from all the crying knowing that he probably sounded like a weird little boy “And it’s wrong! But that’s what I want!” 

 

“It’s not that cool to be me, you should try to be you, kid.” Matt sat next to him intertwining their fingers “Must be tiring, being called kid all the time.” He squeezed his hand, a sign of affection.

 

“Yes.” 

 

“You don’t know your name?”

 

“No.”

 

“You want one?”

 

Matt’s eyes were beautiful like his Mother’s or Grandfather’s, but unlike them, theirs had compassion, someone under the wing of a dark wizard should not know about compassion, but he decides that doesn’t matter. 

 

“I don’t care about names, I don’t know who I am so…”

 

“But before knowing who you are, you must have a name...I can give you one if you want.”

 

He knows by his tone that the older boy means it.

 

“Name me what you want.” 

 

Matt sits in silent next to him for a while - perhaps ten or fifteen minutes, through that time, he went from holding the boy’s hands to stroke his hair to rubbing his back, but it’s the nameless boy who as silent as him puts his arms around Matt’s neck and buries his face on his chest, letting a sob or two escape his lips.

 

“You’re ten.” Matt repeated, still stroking the other’s boy hair “The youngest one here, of all of us...would you hate the name Ben?”

 

Ben.

 

“Ben…”

 

“Benjamin, actually, but Ben for short, if you don’t like it…”

 

“I like it.” He said, looking up at the other boy with nothing less than adoration as he finally released him from the hug.

 

“What’s your name, then?”

 

“B-Ben!”

 

“Nice to meet you Ben.” And once again, Matt extended his hand towards him “I got to help Charlie to get a demon back to it’s cell or Charlie’s dad will hang us, do you wanna help?”

 

And once again, Ben took his hand.

  
“Sure.” 


End file.
